Going through a miscarriage is the most painful experience for a couple.
The internet is flooded with causes, symptoms, and types of miscarriages, however, the emotional loss suffered by a family can not be drowned in logic.
My husband and I suffered 3 miscarriages before our second baby. Two of them chemical pregnancies, which is a very early miscarriage that usually happens around the 5th week, and before anything can be seen on the ultrasound.
The third was a D & C that we had to have last year at 14 weeks gestation, and which would have been a miscarriage eventually.
See pregnancy story for more details.
Even though the first 2 were chemical pregnancies, it was a painful experience for both my husband and me. A woman’s mind and heart start to dream the moment the strip turns pink (if becoming pregnant was her desire).
And after the loss last year, we were hopelessly upset but quiet and distant. My husband and I did not talk about it, nor received any counseling or outside help from anyone to handle the grief.
A few months later, one day we unexpectedly argued about something and I asked him what he wanted from me. He blurted out, “I want my kids”. I knew exactly what he meant!
We both hugged and started crying in each other’s arms. It was then when I realized that he was in as much pain as I was.
Women often feel that men are less emotional or expressive about uncomfortable situations. They may express less but I am sure men feel everything we do, and some even more.
After going through 3 miscarriages, we got pregnant late last year and now have a beautiful baby girl. She is our little gift; we named her Avya (which means Gift from God in Sanskrit), and each day I hold her, I count my blessings that we have her.
Even though I am not in any pain from my miscarriages, I often think back to my experiences and how I felt when it had happened. It may not seem like a big deal to some, and believe me, I did get comments like, “well at least you have a kid already”, or “it was not a baby; it was a fetus”, but, it was a huge deal for me.
Every couple is different; their situation is different, and how they handle their loss is also up to them. However, here are some things that got me through my miscarriages.
How to Survive a Miscarriage Loss
Spend time with your feelings and cry it out. If you bottle your feelings inside or put on a brave show, you will explode at the worst possible time. They say crying cleanses your soul, and I do believe that it does. Well, not the soul per se, but crying over a loss lightens the burden inside and makes you feel lighter and not bitter.
- Get help from those who care
Sharing your pain makes it go away or lessens it. But do so with those who care about you. Start with your spouse. Talking about the miscarriage together will help you both to acknowledge it and then help each other handle the emotional turmoil.
- Take care of your health
Miscarriage is a very traumatic experience. Sometimes it happens spontaneously or without any reason, and other times, it is linked with health issues. Either way, take care of your health post-miscarriage. Meet with your physician/OB, seek counseling if necessary, and maintain your health. If you were to get pregnant again, your good health will only decrease the chances of another miscarriage.
- Be patient
After a miscarriage, some women expect to get pregnant again, while others wait to try. Either way, be patient with yourself. We always knew that we wanted a second child, but after our D & C last year, we waited several months before trying again. And even then, we did not plan for it. It may sound silly or a cliché, but if it is meant to happen, it will. Stay patient, and don’t force things on you or your partner.
- Postpone plans
If you have anything big planned, postpone it! Miscarriage is a loss and grieving for the loss is essential. Postpone any major event or life changing plans. You need to give yourself time to adjust and take care of your emotions.
- Change your scenery
Taking a small vacation or getting away with your partner can be the perfect distraction. It also gives you both time to be with each other and bond and understand how you feel about the situation.
- Talk to a stranger
If you feel that you are unable to open-up to family and friends, seek outside help. See a therapist or talk to your doctor about it. I remember talking to a coworker about how I felt and even though it was via chat, I cried, she cried, and it really helped me. Getting outside perspective can open you to believing and accepting the loss.
- Accept and move on
This may be the hardest thing to do which is why it should be done last. Accepting that it was not meant to be may be difficult right away, but after talking to others, getting some help, and letting some time pass by, it will become easier to accept the loss.
If you have any experience on this subject, and would like to share it, please do so ! You can also email me if you prefer to remain discreet or would like to talk! 🙂
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