Remember that line from Elsa’s Into the Unknown song in Frozen 2;
“Or are you someone out there who’s a little bit like me? Who knows deep down I’m not where I’m meant to be?”
As soon as I heard it, it touched me deeply. More than often, I question myself, whether I am truly living the life that I chose for myself willingly, or was it something that was there and available, and I picked it up so no one else would?
Why do I feel this way, you ask?
Because I constantly question every aspect of my life; my job, married life, career, basically everything. Okay I don’t ever question having children because I always wanted kids, except I never thought I’d find anyone to have them with, but adoption was always on my mind!
I feel confused. Many would say that you have a job, you have a husband, you have a family, kids, you are alive, shouldn’t that be reasons enough to feel content and satisfied with your life!
Yes, absolutely! I am not saying I am not grateful for some things in my life right now; it’s just deep down I also have this alternate life that I once thought I’d live; a life I used to envision having after my college graduation. It was basically a culmination of Lorelai’s low-key town life, and Carrie’s high-end NYC life. A life that was not tied down, where I did not have to answer to, or please anyone, or pretend to do things I don’t want to or care for. A life where I make the rules and they stick, where boundaries are set by me alone and not social or family obligations, a life where I am free to be me 100% of the time and one that was resting on the wings of my dreams, not the one where I have wings yet one of my legs is chained to the ground.
I told you it would be a fantasy world!
Everything about my life revolves around fulfilling some unspoken expectation of being married, or being a mother, or being an Indian daughter in law, or just being Indian. And the biggest problem is not being able to change it. I am not making the rules, I am only following them. Sure marriage is a compromise; being a mother kicks your ass; I get all that, but somewhere between all the changes, I lost myself. My dream. My hopes. My expectations from my life. What I want? And the sad thing is, sometimes I even forget what I really want.
Or I just pretend to forget it so I would be happy and grateful with the life I have.
Do I need to reset my fantasy life to align it with my life now? Or do I let go of my life and go fulfill my own dreams and build that life I really want? I’d prefer a blend of both worlds; but how do I achieve that? Remember that chain on my leg situation…..!
Even when I try to make some crazy change to start the blending process, something happens and then nothing happens. I go back to square 1 more than I even reach square 20. And it’s frustrating; it’s annoying and depressing.
But when I reach square 1 again, I comfort myself and let it go. I tell myself to be okay with things and calm my head and heart. Days pass and then a volcano erupts inside of me. And it all starts again…trying to be free, mixed emotions, drama!
My mom tells me to meditate and pray so I can be calm. She’s probably right. I had anxiety about this whole life after marriage thing, but most of it began after I lost my father. Something in me changed. Anger and anxiety mixed with confusion surfaced up to the top.
My friends say that I should just fight and make the life I want. Very true, but then there are consequences, responsibilities, and people I need to think about.
So ultimately, I AM stopping ME. My conscience is that chain on my leg, holding me back. If I stopped thinking about the good and the bad consequences, maybe I’ll gather some strength to move from square 1 to 2 and so forth.
Please tell me someone out there can relate….!
P.S. I wrote this post in like under 5 minutes; it felt like it was just sitting in my brain dying to come out.