Losing My Father Changed Me in Ways I Did Not Expect

Losing My Father Changed Me in Ways I Did Not Expect

It was 2:10am when I heard my phone vibrate on the night stand. I quickly looked at it. I was getting a call. Who would call me at this hour? It was my brother! He NEVER calls this late. I picked it up and heard my mom crying in the background. My brother said something about my father being critical in the hospital and that we should come over. He hung up.

I woke Anish (my husband) and relayed that to him. I was scared; I could hear my voice stutter. Why was mom crying in the background? Was papa okay? I went to the bathroom and when I came back, Anish was talking on the phone. My brother had called again and this time he said that my papa was no more!

No more? What? My papa was no more! That must be a joke. How? When? Omg!

I could not feel my legs. My heart was in my throat and all I could mutter was no, no, no, as I fell on my knees, sobbing. Anish held me quickly [I was 12 weeks pregnant at that time] and brought me to the sofa.

I could not believe what I had just heard. My father, my best friend, my hero was gone! This was NOT happening!

But it had!

I lost the most important person of my life that day! It was not a dream; it was a harsh reality that had struck like a sudden bolt of lightning and had changed my life forever.

My father was a kind, decent, loving, and very hard-working man. He was raised in poverty, but he worked hard all his life to ensure that his wife and kids had a better life. He was generous and supportive, and always had our backs!

He had an amazing relationship with our mom and took care of her more than himself. He was an encouraging and loving father, and a doting grandfather to his granddaughters.

Losing him has been hard on our family. They say time heals but it just masks the pain like scar tissue. We talk about the beautiful memories we created as a family hoping to keep papa alive in our lives, but that only makes us miss him even more. Sometimes we all just stay quiet and cry to ourselves instead of letting others in on what we are feeling only to protect one another.

Our mom is a very strong woman and she is doing her best filling in dad’s shoes for my brother and me. But we know that losing the love of her life has been extremely difficult for her; hence we do the same and try to be there for her as much as we can.

It’s like the blind leading the blind! ­

Nothing and no one can fill that void that is now forever in our hearts.

**************

Losing a loved one is a painful experience. The closer you are to that person, the harder it gets, no matter how much time goes by.

The last two years have been very surreal. I feel okay some days, and then have a meltdown the next. I try to stay busy, but the moment I am in my car, I start tearing up. Pops and I used to play catch-up and get each other’s advice during those times.

I shared everything with him; even more than I shared with my mom. My father was my best friend and my buddy. He trusted me and I kept that trust secure all my life. Even though he was not a difficult man to please, I tried my best not to hurt him or let him down in any way. He was my role model, my guide, and without him, most days I just feel…lost and empty. I think I am okay, and most days I function well so that must mean I am doing okay. But I know I have changed A LOT these past two years!

My father was an optimistic man but losing him brought out my negative side. I started seeing everything with a pessimistic view point, and became angry, and blunt [in a rude manner] more than usual.

I find myself constantly searching for something; some change; some turning point in my life.

Maybe changing my closet would help? No! Oh how about tossing everything and starting fresh? No! Ok, I know! A new job! Or maybe traveling would help, yes it must help! No!

But nothing seems to help; at least not for a long time. It helps but then I fall back in some rut over and over. What to do?

Many suggested that I talk to someone, like a professional, and seek some guidance or grief counseling. But my pessimistic side stops me by assuming that it would not work; or that I could “fix” my sadness/negativity on my own.

So…

I have started to take small steps for myself.

Having seen how much my negative attitude affects me and those around me, I am making a lot of effort to think more positively. Of course, positive thinking is not a switch that can be turned on in a jiff, but it is possible to see the good/bright side of things if we train our minds to do so. I have started to use my father’s positive nature as an inspiration and guide to help me step back when I am having a bad moment, taking a breath, and thinking and feeling more positive about things.

Of course, this is not always easy AT ALL! I feel like I am pulling myself out of some abyss and trust me, that is not an easy thing to do!

I know that is what my father would want; to be the best version of me for my little girls, to be positive, and to accept the ups and downs of life.

Nothing will ever be the same without him, but I know that he is now my guardian angel who still has my back, except from now from far away in the clouds somewhere!

Miss you buddy! 🙁

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