Someday you will understand the reasons…that it had to happen, just the way it did…to give you the lessons you needed to grow. It’s never ideal, and it’s rarely easy, but what doesn’t break you today only makes you stronger in the end. Take a deep breath and keep going. – Marcandangel
It’s true, what doesn’t break you only makes you stronger.
After losing my father and then a pregnancy, I felt like I could not be consoled. Nothing made me feel better, everything made me sad or angry or both.
But I had to live.
There was no other alternative. Living on was the only option.
I had to be strong for my daughter, because none of this made any sense to her. And because none of this was her fault. She deserved my love and attention as I have been giving her till now.
My husband and I are the types of individuals who bottle feelings.
We did not talk about the miscarriage and I didn’t share how I cried myself to sleep, missing my dad and thinking about my lost baby.
Months passed, and we kept going by our normal day.
Occasionally I would let him in on how exactly I was feeling, and he would comfort me as best possible. And on other days, he would blurt out his feelings and how hurt he was that we lost a baby.
There was just this one lingering question that neither of us were brave enough to ask.
Should we try again?
Do we want to have another baby? Or try to have another one?
I knew that I wanted another child.
I always wanted a sibling for our daughter, and that had not changed today.
But I wasn’t sure I was ready for the process. I wasn’t ready to start counting days or reviewing my calendar and peeing on ovulation sticks, only to let history repeat itself.
So, I didn’t. I just let things happen on its own. I never brought it up to my husband nor “planned” anything. If it was meant to be, it will happen.
And it did.
One random day, I was cleaning out my bathroom cabinet and saw 1 pregnancy test. I smiled and remember thinking “oh, 1 left, okay, let’s pee on it and get rid of the stick”.
I only took the test because I didn’t want to keep that last pregnancy test. Ha! Silly right?
And lo behold, it was positive!
I didn’t even have any other to retake the test.
But then, I suddenly remembered that I had just spotted 6-7 days prior.
Could it be?
Could it have been an implantation?
My doctor had once told me that many women conceive and then lose it without even knowing it. It was called a chemical pregnancy.
Chemical pregnancy was an early miscarriage which occurred before anything could be seen on an ultrasound. In simple terms, your body attempts a pregnancy, but it fails, even though elevated HCG hormones may show up as positive on a pregnancy test.
I decided not to get my hopes up and just wait it out.
It was such a difficult wait for me.
At the end of the week, I decided to schedule a doctor’s appointment and find out what’s what.
But before all that…
After the last miscarriage, my doctor prescribed me with folic acid tablets. She advised that I should start taking them when we were ready to try getting pregnant, in addition to the prenatal pills. This would ensure that my body had adequate folic acid and if I did conceive again, it would help with the baby’s early development.
Since we did not plan a pregnancy, I was not taking the folic tablets. But the day the strip turned pink, I started on the folic pills right away.
I was already taking the prenatal pills every day since the miscarriage (Nature Made Multi Prenatal Tablets). I knew that by the time my doctor confirmed that it was a pregnancy, it would already be about/over 5 weeks.
According to the baby book, the baby’s brain and spinal cord develops from the neural tube that usually closes around 4-5 weeks after gestation.
This means that by the time you have your first doctor’s appointment, your baby’s brain would have started developing.
Lack of folic acid can cause the neural tubes to not form or close properly, hence causing anencephaly or other neural tube defects (something our doctor explained last time).
I am glad that I took the medications as prescribed.
We were pregnant!
The doctor confirmed it at 6 weeks. She advised that we tread slowly but also stated that the chances of a defect happening again was low. We did not have it in our family, and had a healthy child, which confirmed that our last miscarriage was probably a one time occurrence.
Regardless of that, my husband and I decided to take one day at a time for this pregnancy. I was not going to take anything for granted anymore, and along with counting our blessings, I was going to do everything the doctor ordered 😊